every now and then I go through a phase in life where I withdraw. sometimes it’s accompanied by depression, other times it’s not. but it’s as regular as the transition from the full moon to the new and often accompanies times of great change.

I go out with friends less, I return fewer phone calls. I stop emailing people I care about. I don’t go out for drinks or to the movies or shopping on a thursday afternoon with the girls. I let invites to parties slip beneath the refridgerator and grow fuzzy layers of dust.

sometimes there is one thought that gnaws away at me like a mole in the dark. sometimes there are none, and I get lost in the darkness of the night. sometimes I do nothing but write and write and write in my journal, filling up months worth of pages in a handful of days. these days I haven’t been writing at all.

there is an inertia that grows when I stop writing, a paralysis that seeps into my muscles and bones and brain and I can feel the coldness spreading through my body like a drug administered through a drip. Not talking to people is one thing, but not talking to myself is quite another.

the course i started this month is about writing for self-development, and for part of the course requirements we are to start a “proprioceptive writing practice”, which is basically a ritualized journal-writing discipline. Bogged down by my inability to reply to emails, phone messages, write a blog post or talk to my friends, I stared at the blank piece of paper laid in front of me at the beginning of my first writing session and the emptiness of my withdrawl stared right back at me. I thought I had wanted this emptiness, and now? I felt lost. And kind of scared to start – what had I not wanted to say to myself?

one of our texts for this course is “Emotion, Disclosure and Health” by James W. Pennebaker, who writes about the improvements in physical and psychological health that are gained by disclosing emotionally painful material, whether through speaking or writing. The simple act of writing down emotions can increase immune function and trying to suppress thoughts actually makes them stronger. I can’t ignore the evidence any longer – I need to write, even when I don’t think I want to.

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