voice
i’ve been finding it hard to get motivated to write entries here. i want to write, and i’ve been writing in my paper journal a lot, but when it comes to choosing things to share publicly, i’ve been feeling reticient.
when i first arrived in edmonton, i spent two days alone. the first day was enjoyable, and i wandered up and down whyte ave happily, enjoying the sunshine and the shops and the familiarity and novelty of it all. i cooked chili at my brother’s flat and fell asleep easily. the second day was less enjoyable. i felt like i had already done the things i wanted to do alone, i couldn’t really afford another whyte ave shopping spree and didn’t really need more stuff anyway. i spent time reading and wandered up and down whyte just to check my email. i went for dinner with my mom, which was nice. but when i got home that night i felt aimless and a little empty. i tossed and turned. i listened to music. i drank a glass of milk. i got up and went back to bed again. i felt lonely.
when i am alone my internal voice goes into overdrive but my external voice becomes almost inaudibly quiet. people couldn’t hear me when i was talking on the phone. cashiers had to ask me to repeat what i wanted. my voice was fading away from lack of use.
i was missing that feeling of belonging, and the positive social interaction that comes with it. the juxtaposition of being in such a familiar place without the familiar sense of social belonging was hard to get my head around. i feel better now, and have a few more social events penciled into my calendar, but the experience of feeling lonely really made me appreciate the good parts of living and travelling with someone – companionship, friendship, comfort. but it can be too easy to get into the habit of sitting back and relying on your partner to provide all the friendship and companionship, forgetting to seek out those things by developing and maintaining relationships with other people.
all these lessons – life presents them again and again until we really learn…
