So I’ve made a few big changes in the past week or two. I’ve been keeping them a bit hush-hush, firstly because I wasn’t sure it was all going to pan out until I’d finished doing all my research, and secondly cause I’m a little superstitious like that and didn’t want to jinx it. But it’s all systems go now, so I can tell you a bit about what’s been going on behind the scenes.

It all started when tom said to me over lunch one day, “Is it alright if I don’t get a job right away after my thesis is done? I’m really stressing out over this.” My first reaction? I wanted to be supportive but there was another (loud) voice in my head saying something like, “ahhhhh, how will we provide for our child and what do you mean you don’t want to find a job and why did you want to get the phd anyway and we can’t both be unemployed bums!” That last one resonated around and around in my head. We can’t both be unemployed. If it is ok for me to be unemployed, why is it not ok for tom to be unemployed? Do I really need to be unemployed anyway? Sure, I’m not exactly a prime choice for employers at the moment, but there are ways of earning money that don’t involve having to wear pantyhose and heels, showing up at 9 and leaving at 5, or selling one’s soul to the corporate machine in any other number of ways.

I googled freelance writing and found heaps and heaps of websites describing how to be a freelance writer, how to do things like pay your bills and set up your home office and decide how much to charge. I also found several websites devoted to WAHMs – Work At Home Moms.. I liked the sound of that. Like, “WHAM, take that commuter traffic and business casual clothes! I will raise my child and earn a bit of money AT THE SAME TIME!!!” I put in a few applications, checked for scams and got a callback the very next day from a transcription company that was interested in sending me a test to see how I would do. I started doing calculations, first in my head and then in excel, crunching numbers and comparing financial options. Never in my life have I felt as practical as I do these days. Once I realised the bottom line is my own and I am fully responsible for it, I became highly motivated to work to preserve it.

Right around the same time as all this I had a dream that I was at some kind of retreat centre/camp/yoga ashram, and I was helping people repair the building, which was made out of logs and sticks. First I was blocking up the spaces between the sticks behind a countertop, where wind and cold drafts could blow in. I fluffed up bits of wool and wrapped them around the sticks. Someone came along and told me that the wind could get through anyway and that I needed to find more sticks to weave in there to make a more effective wind block. So off I went, with a small swiss army knife in hand, looking for sticks. I found some that were the size of toothpicks, that crumbled a bit in my hand when I picked them up. I looked some more, and found really nice bamboo poles that looked perfect for the job, long and narrow and flexible. As I went to pick them up someone else came along and told me they were reserved for the summer games program, and couldn’t be used for building work. I set off again to look some more, a little worried that I wouldn’t find the right sticks but optimistic that given enough time I could find what I needed.

When I woke up and described my dream to tom, the meaning popped into my head in one giant flash. I’m nest building. My mother hen instinct is awakening, and I’m busy looking for sticks to protect us from the harsh winter. Cheep cheep, flap flap.

So, yesterday I handed in the form to register myself as a self-employed person, and today I signed off social welfare. I am certain that the benefits outweigh the risks of doing so, and I am surprisingly energised by having more work and responsibilities now. This afternoon I drove myself around town, running errands, and the sun was shining and the radio was playing groovy tunes. I rolled down my window, put on my sunglasses, and enjoyed the rhythm of driving. Somewhere in the past few months shifting gears has become effortless. How did that happen? I used to be in tears over this, hot, bitter tears of frustration. I thought I’d never master the skill. And now it’s enjoyable?

I’m starting to like being in the driver’s seat.

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