overdose
I am SO BORED of surfing the internet.
this time had to come, I knew it. there are only so many messageboards that one can check compulsively for days on end before going completely mad. I have no desire to check my email for the 14325897th time today, no desire to read blogs or ask hooping questions or look at random people in burning man photo albums (although this one is quite good if you haven’t reached your ultimate internet threshold already).
I don’t want to hear about Kate Moss or Hurricane Rita or the airline near-miss which was televised to all the passengers aboard the ill-fated plane while they were about to land (which, by the way, is only another symptom of this same affliction – the inability to detach from the media no matter where you are. the whole airplane landing thing is just a bit too “meta meta” for me. I shudder to think of how I would feel if I was watching myself on tv right now.) I’m even tired of checking the messageboard for my graduate course, and I’m wondering why everyone else isn’t posting more. lets get some debate going people! I bet they all have actual “lives” where they “socialise” with people and go to their “jobs” and get out of the house every day.
It’s an interesting headspace, this unemployment thing. There are days where I really enjoy it, where I feel totally in control of my life and how I spend my time and money. I definitely do less compulsive shopping, which is a very_good_thing. I am free to hula hoop all afternoon if I feel like it, and often I do and it makes me feel fantastic. I can put in all the effort I want into coursework, which has the wonderful result that I feel on top of my course material for the first time in my academic career. what was I thinking at 18, working part-time and taking a full courseload? I should have been going out and getting drunk at the powerplant with everyone else instead of needlessly working myself into the ground.
The tricky thing about unemployment, and I’m beginning to suspect the same thing happens with employment only you have a nice paycheque at the end of the week, which allows you go shopping and forget all about it… oh, what a lovely pair of jeans! what was I saying? yes, the tricky thing is staying focused on formulating and working towards goals. I have a few schemes at the moment, things I would like to work towards that could end up being enjoyable and fulfulling ways for me to make some money on my own terms rather than being paid solely because I turned up every day this week. But in order to get any sense of satisfaction, I need to DO THINGS to work towards them. Every day, no exceptions.
I think I need to start unplugging the wireless internet card in this laptop. Or unplugging the compulsive repetitive behaviours circuit in my brain, and replacing it with the conscious choice circuit.
