writing is just thinking of one word after another and recording them onto some kind of medium, right? such a simple concept, and yet so complex.

I am feeling placid. I am feeling placid today. I felt placid yesterday, but only after I got home. Am I confusing placid with fatigue? I was feeling so pleased with my placidity a few days ago that I started to doubt it, fearing it would prove to be temporary, and then I had a very un-placid evening. But overall, I am placid.

I suppose it all comes back down to the fact that my brain is doused with large amounts of hormones, many of which are designed to make me feel like doing two things: 1. eating 2. sleeping. I am obeying my hormones, and end up most nights wrapped in a duvet on the couch, ben & jerry’s in hand and sex and the city on the laptop. yes, I am enjoying it while it lasts.

while I sleep, the large amount of hormones in my brain also seem to have the effect of creating really detailed, complex dreams. The other day I found myself dreaming about pastries, looking down into a showcase overflowing with beautiful, flowing croissant curlicues with chocolate and icing sugar decorating the top. there were so many to choose from! it was like heaven. and then I rolled over and realized that it was morning and my stomach was rumbling. Last night I dreamed of an art-installation toilet, with singing dancing light fixtures and modernist vents in the walls that would dry and condition your hands. it was like heaven. and then I rolled over and realized that it was 3am and I was bursting to pee. My dreams are definitely trying to tell me something, but it’s usually not too hard to figure out what.

I am somewhat afraid that my brain is actually shrinking from the effects of all these hormones, and that I will come out of this experience much duller and slower than i was before. But if I get to keep the placidity and dodge out of the path of post-partum depression, it would be worth it. If not, well, I don’t know what. The placidity is like a giant pool of peaceful molasses preventing me from thinking of anything remotely close to retribution. evolution is pretty darn clever…

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