clearbluecup

lazy grey holiday
rain
and cups of tea
beside beans on toast

simple tasks done slowly
and I curl up
catlike
reading

I've recently been dealing with a personal issue that I am not going to discuss here (or anywhere else, really). What I do want to discuss is that little voice in your head that tells you what to do. What does it tell you? And do you do what it says?

I have made so many bad decisions in the past, even though there was a little voice in my head that said, "oh god, don't do that," or "this is really the right thing to do." Even though I knew what the right thing to do was, I didn't do it.

This time, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do. I didn't shy away from certain actions because I was afraid of them. And you know what? I feel so much better. The issue is being resolved. And I haven't messed up my life or anyone else's. How refreshing!

While looking through the stacks of papers my parents brought me when they came to visit recently, I noticed an envelope with the U of A crest on the corner. Curious, I pulled it out and looked at the letter inside.

"Dear Michelle, Your instructor has recommended you as a potential English specialist on the basis of your superior work in English this year. I am writing to give you some information about the English major and Honors English Program..."

What would have happened if I had done an English major, as I had considered doing, instead of Psychology? Why didn't I decide to do English in the first place? I vaguely recall thinking that a Psychology degree would make me more employable. Hah! I think I would be just as employable if I had taken Modern Dance or Art History or Philosophy. Arts are arts, and it seems everyone wants to hire a science graduate these days.

I have been working at building up a bit of a freelance writing portfolio over the past few weeks. My newest writing is up at www.suite101.com. Some of it is about being a stay-at-home mom. They always tell you to write what you know, so I did. I'm working up to branching out into more literary topics, reviews of books I'm reading and articles on topics in Psychology.

Found Magazine

I'm going to be keeping my eyes peeled for lost notes now. I am sure that everyone has found something like this and just wasn't sure what to do with a bit of paper that seemed half-treasure and half-garbage. A magazine full of them is a great idea.

It's the glimpses into other people's lives that is the fascination, like catching the colour of someone's walls or the arrangement of their furniture in the golden, incandescent light of their window while walking outside in the cold and dark.

Bea has been sleeping increasingly poorly over the past week or two. At first I thought maybe it was her new molars that were causing her to wake up more frequently. Then I figured perhaps it was because she is so close to learning how to walk, that maybe her brain is just working overtime to process this new skill. At 3am, there isn't much thought going on in my brain except for some very cranky, horrible thoughts along the lines of, "shut up!" and "go to sleep!!"

My mom suggested today that perhaps I should stop drinking coffee during the day, and see if that improves the quality of Bea's sleep at night.

Huh.

Sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see.

check out her YouTube video:

My head aches, I feel emotionally dull and lifeless, I'm cranky and mindlessly eating everything in sight. Sick? PMS? Hung over?

Nope, just tired. When I get really, really tired I go into shut-down mode. Non-essential things get the chop, like smalltalk and washing down the high chair after every meal. It becomes essential to wash down the baby eating radius only once a day, after most of it has dried out enough to be swept up with a broom. I also become rather obsessed with getting time to myself, and I start sneaking moments to read just a page of a book in between playing with the little people circus and walking up and down the stairs 540 times.

I need alone time like I need oxygen, water and food. I always test as an introvert in personality tests, and the one classic characteristic of introverts is that they need time by themselves to recharge and feel good. When I don't get that time I start to feel angry when people make demands on me, even perfectly reasonable demands made in perfectly reasonable ways. It's not a pretty picture when unreasonable demands are being made by a very tiny and demanding person who can only ask by screaming in my face.

I wonder what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom in a country where we were treated like employees of the state, raising future citizens. Where we got a weekly salary, guaranteed time off and sick pay. Where we could have a union and go on strike (the library and garbage workers are out for 11 weeks now). It's an intriguing idea, but I can't imagine working out the logistics.

My baby smells like skunk.

How the hell did that happen???