clearbluecup

I think I've figured out the latch that gets me unstuck: doing something new.

A drive to Kinsale last week with my friend Aisling did the trick - we just went for fancy coffees and gorgeous carrot cake, but I felt completely reenergized after that. Tom & I went west on the weekend and when we got back I felt like I'd returned home after a two week holiday. totally refreshed. And I got some sun too, which made me feel blissed out. drunk on sunshine. that's what happens when you are sober for 5 months... :)

Also, two people in the last week have told me that I look taller these days instead of wider. Is this even possible? Does pregnancy make your bones grow again? My theory is that I am simply standing up straighter now that I have the extra weight of the bump and my newly enormous boobs. (yes, it's true. they are enormous.) In any case, taller is good. I can handle looking taller. I have a suspicion that I will look like a dinosaur in 4 months anyway.

Pictures of our weekend getaway will be up in the next day or two. We've taken so many pictures with our trusty little canon that the filenames clocked over. From IMG_9900 to IMG_0001. 9900 pictures is a LOT.

We went to Fota gardens with Noah this weekend, and wandered around beneath the blooming camillas, magnolias and primroses. Take a peek if you'd like to join us!

Here are the photos from last weekend's trip out to west cork... We went hiking on hungry hill, up to the base of a waterfall there. On the way back we saw lots of these old ruined shepherd's shelters, which were basically a few stone walls constructed along the side of boulders or under rock overhangs to give a bit of respite from the wind. Later that afternoon we went for a picnic...

Photos are here if you would like to have a look.

a few weeks ago Amy posted about trust, and how she finds it really hard to trust anybody, even people she knows she should be able to rely on. and it got me thinking - how much do I really trust people in my life? as much as I should? too much? It's difficult to balance trust, especially if it's been broken once before. the scar weighs more than everything else, and tips the scales when they should have balanced.

When I read Amy's post originally I thought I had my trust issues all worked out. I thought I really trusted people, well, the people I should trust anyway. But then doubt started to creep in and I looked at how I really was behaving, and questions cropped up everywhere like weeds. I can be a paranoid person at times. Ever since I was small I could imagine secret passageways through thick stone walls or spies riding black horses through the night, carrying messages written in code tucked in their leather saddlebags. Chalk it up to an overactive imagination, or too much time spent with my nose buried in a book that had maybe one too many violent dragon-slaying scenes, but it's easy for me to see subterfuge where there is none.

Add to that a sense of intuition that is tuned to a very high frequency, and it means that sometimes I get a hunch that something's not right which is later proven correct. If my sixth-sense was right five times in the past, surely it's right this time? And what if I got a hunch that I didn't act on, and then found out much later that I was right? What if I'm wrong, and I mess things up by telling people what I thought was happening? Nobody wants to look like the suspicious hag in the corner, and it gets rather unpleasant believing in every little fear and shadow.

I also wonder how much mis-trust is actually projection. If I don't trust myself, how can I trust others? If I know that I have broken the trust of people I care about in the past, how can I know that others won't do the same to me in the future? This is the part that we actually have some control over, I think. The more we trust ourselves, the better judgement we will have to be able to tell whether someone is trustworthy in general, or telling the truth in a particular situation. Sometimes you have nothing more than your own intuition to guide you.

ok, well it's been a craving for longer than un jour....

grapes and cottage cheese. I could eat four bowls a day of the protein-y, cheese-y, sweet yummy goodness. when we run out of grapes I substitute apples. when we run out of cottage cheese I drive to the shop immediately.

we spent easter weekend out west at andy's. I repotted tomato seedlings in the sun on monday afternoon while tom attacked the brambles with the weed whacker. We plotted out plans for a gate lodge or a caravan at the top of the land and walked out through the fruit trees, checking to see which ones were in bloom. We spent sunday with our neices and tom's sister at a "land of oz fantasy day" for kids & families hosted by the local yoga retreat centre. A glimpse into family life, I suppose, and it wasn't as bad as I feared. A little chaotic, but rewarding overall.

I've been spending a lot of energy on driving practice recently, taking lessons and working at changing a few of the not-so-good habits that I'd developed since I started driving around on my own after christmas. Some of the driving practices are quite different than those of Canada, with no real rhyme or reason that I can see... like not shoulder checking when changing lanes. Hello? even using both rear-view and side mirrors there is still a blind spot. this makes no sense to me, and I'm not going to stop shoulder checking. But with a lot of practice and a bit of luck I should be ready for my test next friday.

Also, for anyone that is worried about me, I'm not having a trust crisis. I just started thinking about it when I read Amy's post and felt like waxing philosophical for a bit. Sometimes it is only when the crisis is long past that you can get enough perspective to think about things clearly.

Well, the crazy baby dreams have started.

For the past few months I have been dreaming in even greater detail and complexity than usual, which is generally quite a lot. Some have been amusing, some scary, but strangely enough most do not actually feature a baby. Last night, I dreamed of giving birth for the first time. It wasn't nearly as traumatic or painful as I have been preparing myself for, so I was quite happy with that and had busied myself with choosing clothes to wear home from the hospital, etc. Eventually, I found myself standing in front of a rack of henley-style t-shirts looking for something that would be suitable for nursing when I realized that I hadn't actually fed the baby yet since the birth. And that was days ago! Three days ago in fact! I remember wondering why the baby hadn't been screaming with hunger the entire time.

The reality of life with a baby is starting to sink in just a little more.

and i'm starting to get nervous. I also don't feel like practicing anymore. after hitting the curb trying to reverse around a corner with the instructor yesterday, I went out to practice in the afternoon and reversed around three or four corners with fairly reasonable success. I know I can do it, I just need to be able to do it when the tester is in the car with me. gulp.

so cross your fingers and think lots of good-driving thoughts for me tomorrow around noon. I really don't want to have to take this test again!

I failed my driving test by two points. To add insult to injury, the office actually gave me a little pink certificate to prove that I failed. Statement of Failure. So, pink statement of INCOMPETENCY TO DRIVE in hand, I walked back out to my car, started it up, and drove myself home. Welcome to Ireland.

(The phrase STATEMENT OF FAILURE really gets to me. This makes me think I have some failure issues. I shouldn't let it get to me though, as the pass rate is around 53% so chances weren't great that I would actually pass on my first try.)

Also, someone actually REVERSED INTO MY CAR during my test. I was waiting to turn right (across traffic) with someone else also waiting to turn right sitting in front of me. The person in front had pulled too far into the intersection and hadn't completed the turn before the lights changed, so when the traffic in the opposite direction started going, a big truck turning onto our road didn't have enough room to turn without hitting the car in front of me. The car started to reverse, and before I had time to think, "What the? He's reversing! What should I do?" he had backed into my bumper and I was totally flustered. I got a "reaction to hazards" fault for that, and I'm still not entirely clear on what I should have done. poo. At least there wasn't any damage to me (apart from my calm, cool & collected attitude) or the car.

To cheer me up, here's an adorable picture of Louis all snuggled up in a blanket.

Awwwww. That's much better... :)

Week 17

Week 18

Week 19

Week 20 - Halfway done!

Week 21

Week 22

Week 23

Week 24