clearbluecup

I'm starting a new tradition: I'm going to post ten goals for the new year. That way I can easily look back and check my archives to see how I'm doing, instead of digging through my disorganized pile of paper journals to see what I wanted to achieve.

So, here are my goals for 2006:

1. Family

2. Full Driving License

3. Yoga 3x/week

4. Writing 5x/week, especially dreams

5. Go out socially at least once a week

6. Continue working on my Master's & volunteering

7. Eat healthy = more variety of vegetables & protien, less refined sugar

8. Get involved in the dream research community

9. Focus on cleanliness (physically, psychologically, financially)

10. Support Tom in the transition to working & choosing where we want to live

just thought i'd let you all know. I've been trying to come up with a blog entry for weeks now, and nothing. my creative juices have deserted me. let's all hope and pray they return soon, for the health of my sanity and the happiness of everyone around me...

every now and then I go through a phase in life where I withdraw. sometimes it's accompanied by depression, other times it's not. but it's as regular as the transition from the full moon to the new and often accompanies times of great change.

I go out with friends less, I return fewer phone calls. I stop emailing people I care about. I don't go out for drinks or to the movies or shopping on a thursday afternoon with the girls. I let invites to parties slip beneath the refridgerator and grow fuzzy layers of dust.

sometimes there is one thought that gnaws away at me like a mole in the dark. sometimes there are none, and I get lost in the darkness of the night. sometimes I do nothing but write and write and write in my journal, filling up months worth of pages in a handful of days. these days I haven't been writing at all.

there is an inertia that grows when I stop writing, a paralysis that seeps into my muscles and bones and brain and I can feel the coldness spreading through my body like a drug administered through a drip. Not talking to people is one thing, but not talking to myself is quite another.

the course i started this month is about writing for self-development, and for part of the course requirements we are to start a "proprioceptive writing practice", which is basically a ritualized journal-writing discipline. Bogged down by my inability to reply to emails, phone messages, write a blog post or talk to my friends, I stared at the blank piece of paper laid in front of me at the beginning of my first writing session and the emptiness of my withdrawl stared right back at me. I thought I had wanted this emptiness, and now? I felt lost. And kind of scared to start - what had I not wanted to say to myself?

one of our texts for this course is "Emotion, Disclosure and Health" by James W. Pennebaker, who writes about the improvements in physical and psychological health that are gained by disclosing emotionally painful material, whether through speaking or writing. The simple act of writing down emotions can increase immune function and trying to suppress thoughts actually makes them stronger. I can't ignore the evidence any longer - I need to write, even when I don't think I want to.

today was a good day, and it was topped off by a great dinner. To share this happiness with you all, here is the recipe for my Good Day Stir Fry:

1 cup organic short grain brown rice

sea salt

2 cubes tofu

handful of baby corn shoots

handful of mange tout

1 can of bean sprouts

2 carrots

1 large red pepper

7 medium mushrooms

few leaves of curly kale, pak choi or cabbage

1 medium onion

3 cloves of garlic, finely chopped

1 1/2 inch piece of ginger, finely chopped

1 teaspoon chili paste

dash of paprika

dash of celery seeds

dash of mustard seeds

soy sauce

brown rice flour

1/2 a lime

splash of orange juice

olive oil

sunflower oil

Put the rice on to cook (1 cup rice to 2 cups water plus a dash of salt, bring to the boil then reduce heat and simmer for 40-45 mins). Dice the tofu and let it marinate in some soy sauce. Slice the carrots and steam them in a small pot with some olive oil until soft while you chop and prepare the rest of the vegetables. Put them all in a large bowl, leaving out the carrots, garlic, ginger and other spices.

Heat a generous splash of olive oil in a small pot and add the garlic, ginger, chili and spices. Then mix about 3 teaspoons of brown rice flour and half a teaspoon of salt in a cup and add water to make a paste, then dilute with water until you have a cup of liquid. Let the spices fry in the oil until the mustard seeds begin popping and the garlic begins to brown a little, then add the flour and water mixture, stirring constantly. Now is the time to add soy sauce to taste, a splash of orange juice and the juice of 1/2 a lime if you've got it. Bring the sauce to the boil while stirring and when it has thickened remove from the heat.

Heat a small amount of sunflower oil in a frying pan and also in a large pot. Fry the tofu in the frying pan, adding any extra soy sauce to the pan. Put the vegetables in the pot all at once, adding a small amount of boiling water to help them steam, place the lid on top and give the pot a shake. Steam the veggies at a medium-high heat for not too long, maybe 5 minutes, draining out any excess water when they are done. Don't forget to add the carrots! Serve when the tofu is golden brown and the vegetables and rice are cooked - stir the sauce through the vegetables before serving.

YUM.

maybe it's time for a little midnight snackeen....