sun and wrecking ball
Now that the crazy pendulum that is my emotional brain has stopped swinging so dangerously, i can sit back and evaluate the past few weeks.
without going into private and rather gory detail, i'll just say that tom and i went through a bit of a rough patch. i wanted to leave, and said so, not once, but twice. right around the solstice (and our wedding anniversary) it felt like i was living underneath a magnifying glass. every single tiny thing seemed a hundred times more unbearable, a thousand times more unreasonable. i wanted to throw down a match and burn everything to the ground in order to start again from the ashes. it seemed like the only option.
eventually i came back to a sense of normality and realised that new growth was possible without the devastation of a forest fire. at this stage i'd already quit my job and started packing. I stopped packing but decided that maybe it would be best to leave the job decision where it stood. i had been wanting a long break from work for ages, and here was my chance. i sacrificed a good chance at a promotion, but i'm ok with that. i will decide what to do in september when the time comes. it feels good to have a blank slate. i'm starting afresh in a sense, and that's what i wanted. when i announced that i was leaving my boss said, "well, sometimes you just have to take some time and get your own priorities right." and it's true.
last night tom and i brought our dinner down to the beach and cooked veggie sausages beside the sea while we watched the sun set. a little spontaneity goes a long way towards mutual happiness. i also had ordered two books from amazon on the recommendation of my counsellor - The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and A Woman in Your Own Right. I came home one afternoon to find that tom had cleaned the bathroom and read two thirds of the marriage book. suddenly my heart filled with hope! The marriage book is quite good, full of advice and exercises that sometimes seem painfully obvious, but sometimes we need to be told the obvious straight out. the assertiveness book is good too. The most useful advice? Ask for a specific request. Knock and the door shall be opened.
in the midst of all the chaos, i decided that i wanted to come home to canada for an extended visit this summer. so, for six weeks between the middle of july and end of august i will be travelling and visiting in canada. i'm going to get my teeth cleaned by a proper dentist! i'm going to eat my mom's home cooking! i'm going to go to shambhala! and jeff and joann's wedding! i'm going to sit around and drink coffee with friends all day, without rushing off anywhere else. i'm going to sit in the sun and read books. i'm going to go running in the river valley, and hopefully camping and hiking in the mountains. i'm going to go wandering down whyte ave. i'm going to go to ritualistics and see what kind of design they can draw up for my next tattoo. i'm going to chill the f--k out. i can't wait.