winter is upon us
over the past two weeks or so I've been sinking into that state called "winter". it's been a much more gradual and drawn out process than a simple two-week slump, but it's taken until now to actually hit me full force.
It's dark when I wake up, it's dark when I go home. This dark is a deep, perilous dark that gives no respite. even the daylight hours are darkened by rainclouds and fog. and when my environment is dark, I am dark. dark dark dark. donnie darko? no. not quite yet, thank god.
as the dark grows, so do my thoughts of christmas and fairy lights and tinsel and butter tarts and champagne and pine boughs and mulled wine. we're planning on having christmas dinner at our house this year, so I've been putting more effort into planning and collecting decorations. tom sorted out our fireplace, bought a big bag of coal and peat and taught me how to build a fire. flames! in our living room! the novelty still hasn't worn off.
with the dark comes a heavy weight that sits on my shoulder and whispers criticisms, emphasises frustrations and belittles my efforts. I've been thinking a lot about what I can do about that voice, how I can put it back in it's rightful place. there is another voice that says, "if only i lived somewhere where there were people and parties like this i would be happy. let me dance with the wizards and faeries!" a deeper, stronger voice says, "why not go for counselling and expose that critical voice for what it really is?" I'm more inclined to listen to this one. a soft, feminine voice says, "why not adopt a kitten? caring for another being will make you happy." this voice also suggests volunteer work from time to time. the old academic in me says, "bury yourself in journal papers, research and reading. achieving wisdom and understanding will make you busy and happy." There are so many voices, saying so many things. In the end I do some of the things halfway and end up folding the laundry and cleaning the toilet for a sense of achievement, feeling even more dissatisfied than ever.
so most nights I try to do a little bit of reading, a little bit of housekeeping, a little bit of christmas planning, and as much sitting beside the fireplace with a cup of tea as I possibly can. darkness is the land of dreams, and in my dreams I am searching.